Green Bus Blues

Following a Yahoo! Picks link, I found the best of craigslist. One of the items was a Portland listing on how to ride the bus to OHSU. The normal person might not be interested in something from such a limited community, but it reminded me of something I saw back at UVA. For those who might not know, Franny and I met driving buses for the University Transit Service. One of UTS's major duties was transporting healthcare workers from the large university parking lots to work at the hospital. One of the riders, Erla Hagen, wrote a piece for some hospital newsletter regarding her experiences. I got hold of it and reprinted it in our "Transit Lines", the bus driver newsletter/party notice/rambling space. (This was done completely without Erla's knowledge or permission. I've never met Erla, except maybe as her driver.) I wrote it at home, and since my hard drive looks a lot like my garage, I still have it ten or so years later. Once again without Erla's input, I reprint it for any bus drivers that might be amused. (I know of only two that read this, but you never know.) Erla, if you see this and care one way or the other, let me know.

(On a similar note, I also liked the open letter from an elevator. Note that both craigslist links are rated PG-13 for the f-bomb. Sorry, Tutu.)

on the "green" bus blues...
Erla Hagan

Another one takes the bus... If you are one of the employees who ride the "GREEN" bus from U Hall to the hospital in the morning AND back to the parking lot in the evening, this long winded, country-western tale of the "Green Bus Blues" is for you, your immediate supervisor, the incredibly nice folks who drive the "GREEN" route, AND anyone with a guitar who wishes to put it to music.

On the front of the bus shelters (where the rain comes in over the seat only AND where it says to post-no-bills) are many sheets of instructions on the art and luck of riding the appropriate bus to work or class. I'm sure you "BLUE" bus (Scott Stadium to the Hospital and back) folks have your own romantic lore but this ballad-to-be is for "GREEN" bus people.

A case in point... If it is Wednesday AND it is before noon but after eleven, AND the temperature is above 50° AND it rained the night before AND the "GREEN" bus is facing up hill at the main shelter, AND the driver has a diaper pin piercing his left ear...That "GREEN" bus will go through Copeley Hill (the 8 minute scenic route) before going to the Hospital.

However, if it is Thursday, AND it is between 3:00 pm and 5:00 pm, AND the rain didn't start until after the sun was fully up AND it will not get above 35° that day AND there is a person in a purple shirt in the back of the bus, AND the driver is a female AND the bus is facing downhill at the main shelter...That "GREEN" bus will also go through Copeley before going to the Hospital.

Should the temperature be hovering around a sticky 92° AND the air conditioned "GREEN" bus is filled to capacity with Georgio perfume, Old Spice deodorant, Crest toothpaste, Dial soap, Desenex foot powder, Juicy Fruit gum, AND garlic bagels as well as a too ripe banana, AND the air conditioning is either not working, or the driver doesn't like it, AND the "GREEN" bus has been sitting at the main shelter for more than 8 minutes but not a full 10...That "GREEN" bus will go through Copeley before going to the Hospital.

On the other hand, if it is very cold, very wet, very late, AND a tad foggy, AND the bus was stuck behind a fender bender for 13 minutes before it was facing down the hill at the main shelter AND there is a basketball game the same night AND you can see the pale green glow of the digital "GREEN" route bus sign over the driver's seat AND the driver is eating sunflower seeds, AND the wet umbrella of the lady in the seat next to you is dripping on your new suede shoes...You are going to go directly to the Hospital, ASAP. However, due to the basketball game AND other circumstances too numerous to mention AND beyond anyone's control, there is always a possibility that you may not be permitted to return to your car within the same 24 hour period.

If it is beginning to bluster AND the approaching bus has obvious available seating, AND the driver is a person of either sex wearing a smile, AND the driver's neighbor on the left gives a 6 (on a scale of 1-to-10) to new age music, AND you can see the unmistakable "Green" glow of the sign in the distance, beckoning you to RUN to catch the bus AND it is your first "good hair" day AND you are carrying a book bag or purse, a briefcase, a sheet cake for the office party, AND you have not had that first cup of coffee to jump start your brain... you, breathless, with drooping hair, squashed sheet cake, and possibly heartburn, will just make it to the stop in time to see that the digital, "Green:" glow says "BLUE ROUTE" and neither it nor you will be going to Copeley Hill or the Hospital.

Are you keeping up? The bus is coming! What to do? Think, think, think.

A CAVEAT...On special holidays...(Like the Ides of March AND Hug your Turtle Day), all buses will be labeled "GROUNDS LOOP"--no matter which direction they are facing or which direction you wish to go...GET ON...the loop will put you out of circulation (no pun intended) for a full 30 minutes, but you will be sitting down AND out of the weather.

Oh yes, the last of the pale yellow signs on the shelter remind you to "PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT ALL OF THE BUS SCHEDULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE" AND "HAVE A GOOD DAY!"

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Erla Hagan is editor of chicken~soup, director of bodytalk, and a "Green" Bus rider.